Feeling sheepish

6.30 am sunday morning, out to blow away a few cobwebs.

Going round a long, limited visibility, right hander and suddenly see a
sheep on the racing line. A zxr400 may be a girly bike but the front end
lets you brake hard whilst leant over and I managed to stop in time. Whilst
i waited for my heart beat to recede from its "tilt" level I tried to drive
the sheep back into its field by revving the engine in a sheep dog fashion.

Problem was there was a cattle grid at the entrance to its field, so i
corralled the thing using the bike and got off.

Ever tried to pick a sheep up(sic)? They are really fucking heavy.
Eventually I took it from behind(sic) and got it in a sort of heinrich
maneuver position and started to drag in backwards over the cattle grid.
Wondering, as always, how life can seem to go from the oridinary to
something out a Marx Brothers movie in ten seconds flat.


Ever tried to drag a sheep backwards over a cattle grid whilst you are
wearing full biking gear? I have. It's pretty difficult. I got nearly all
the way across when a car stopped, probably wondering why my bike was parked
on the bend.

Bloke in the car looks at me clinging to sheep in my leather gear, hunched
over a cattle grid.

I look back at bloke as casually as I can manage under the circumstances.

Sensing the drama in the air the sheep started to piss copiously all over
me.

Bloke in car, shrugs and drives off. I drag sheep back into field and
attempt to ride home upwind of myself.

 

I should have learnt my lesson after getting covered in badger entrails a
while back.

 

LOL!

Ever considered a career in comedy writing?

 

<snips tale of sheep molestation>

VBG. Cheered me up no end!

 

<Sheep hustling snipped>

You utter twat! It's easier if you roll them over cattle grids ...

 

Not if it's already dead, and laying in the road... you might want to use a
fair amount of lube and a shoehorn though.

If you're lucky, it'll be riddled with maggots (not just your own), all of
which will add to the experience for you.

 

I think the knack is to roll them on their back across the grid. Or
is it only Yorkshire sheep that are capable of this?

 

Excuses, excuses.

Anyway, I just let the wooly buggers get on with it.

 

A what?

 

It's like the Heimlich manoeuvre, but with the right arm raised. The sheep
can see you're only going to thrust with one fist, and so calms down and
lets you get on with it.