FUNKY MOPED - A True Story

Back in 1971 when we were still at school a few of us had
purchased mopeds, the only option for a hard-ridin' teen biker
thanks to the "new" sixteener laws. Anyway my mate, who we all
called Ratty, was academically brilliant but in worldly matters
was as thick as cowshit.

Ratty was the proud owner of a Garelli Bimatic, an appalling,
two-speed, belt driven step-through contraption with a top whack
of 28mph. Fizzers hadn't been invented yet. Then one morning we
arrived at school to find Ratty excitedly waving a copy of the
Motorcycle News around. In the centre pages was an Italian 50cc
pro-racing bike which the specs claimed was capable of 160mph.
Amazingly he wanted to know why his bike wouldn't do that speed,
being of the same 50cc capacity AND Italian?

"It's coz of yer governors", piped up another mate named Andy.
Picking up his feeder line I went on to explain that ALL 50cc
mopeds were capable of 160mph, but were fitted with governors to
slow them down to 30mph which was deemed a safer maximum speed.
Ratty's next question was entirely predictable: "So how can I
remove these governors?"

"Oh my God," replied Andy, "You don't wanna remove your
governors. If you did you might open your throttle outside the
school gates and be doing a ton-sixty before the end of the road.
You'd never control it at that speed. Could be fatal." Ratty had
a sad, pathetic look of resigned disappointment on his face until
he beamed at my next suggestion.

"Of course," I said, "you could always get them lathed down."

He was sold on the idea. With that we instructed him to go
immediately after school to Scooter Sales, our local motorbike
shop, and tell them to "lathe down" his moped's governors.
However he must be quite insistent that he only wanted them
lathed down sufficient to give a top speed of 95 - 100 mph, no
faster than that. Further he was to ask them to fit his moped
with the disk brakes from a Ford Cortina which we reliably
informed him were a straight swap. Later that day we waved Ratty
off as he set out across town on his quest for ultimate speed.

The following morning he arrived as the school bell was going and
we asked how he'd got on? "**** off you bastards", was all he
said brushing past us, then flatly refused to talk to us for the
rest of the day.

By the following lunchtime Ratty had calmed down enough to tell
all. Apparently he'd arrived at Scooter Sales before making his
demands verbatim as instructed to the boss, who asked him to wait
a moment before fetching their mechanic. "Would you please
explain everything you've just told me to this man?", the manager
requested. They both listened, perfectly straight faced, as he
repeated the entire procedure before finally bursting into fits
of uncontrolled laughter. "I think somebody's been having you on
mate!"

Ratty went on to achieve a Cambridge first in maths. However his
charmingly gullible nature remained unchanged in all the years I
knew him.

riccip

 

SNIP

I and a friend dispatched an equally gullible mate to the local bike
shop when his FS1E wouldn't run as well as hoped. Being a single it
needed a piston return spring to work, unlike our multi-cylinder
machines. He was not a happy bunny on his return from a 10 mile round
trip.

 

riccip <> spewed forth the following...

<snipped and cross-post cut>

Ahh.. That reminds me. Back when I young, less hairy and definately not as
fat, I used to play around with Vespa and Lambretta scooters. Amongst the
usual scooter glitterati around Liverpool at this time was a screaming young
fucktard called Neil.

Neil was the type who was born to be the butt of all jokes. Egg-like eyes
swimming around his globe-like glasses. You could join the dots on his face
and come up with the first draft of Hamlet. Personality? Nope. Stare
googly-eyed at girls and talk to their chest? Yep. Anyway, I`m sure you get
the picture.

His pride and joy was a Vespa Primavera. Well, he said it was a Primavera.
The chassis number, shape of the headstock and the 3-speed motor told us it
was only a Vespa 90.
Oh no. It`s a real Primavera. Look. It`s got a Primmy badge on in. Said
badge got stolen outside the club and sold back to him half hour later on
quite a few occasions.

His Primavera was not as fast as other Primmys. It was not as fast as most
90s. We used to do his timing, set his carb and cables for him. All would be
happy. Then, a few days later, he would twiddle with the timing/carb himself
and knock it all out of whack again. Pffft.

Anyway, he asks us once why it`s just not keeping up with most other small
cc things on the road. So, we tell him.

"It`s probably your powerband. It`s in the carb, maybe it`s snapped."

He had heard of 2-strokes having powerbands between certain rev range, and
he fell for it hook, line and sinker.

"Can you guys help me fit it if I get one from Turners?" "Of course"

And off he goes. And comes back a few hours later.
"He`s got none in stock, call back next week."
Still oblivious to the bullshittery of the whole affair..

So, we go over to Len Turners the next day, and catch Geoff (I think his
name was Geoff anyway) who worked there at the time.

"Powerband, Geoff?"

He dissolves laughing.. "That guy is a total tool. Annoys the hell out of
me. Thought it would be a windup so I played along. Went looking in the back
for 5 mins and told him to call back next week."

Sweet.

He never did go back to get his powerband. He sold the scooter a week or so
afterwards as he couldn`t afford to run it anymore. As far as I know, he
still believes in carb-fitted powerbands for 2-strokes.

 

Loz H says...

You mean they don't have them??

Gutted, shattered and totally disheartened :-(

 

And a big tin of fresh and still mainly liquid Cow Gum could be turned
into an amazing incendiary bomb.

DAMHIKIJK,OK?

(I'ms still amazed the office building is still standing)

 

`Fraid so. Hate to break it to you like this but...

Every time you`ve found an old elastic band in your float bowls. They were
there because somebody had it in for you. Not because it made it go faster.

HTH

;oP

 

Worth trying as there is a *severe* shortage of HGV drivers right now,
and it's getting worse.

 

YOP, YTS, YTC.....

 

I know. local gas suppliers are short a tanker driver, though that needs
whatever they call hazchem now as well.

but I seriously doubt that they supply any money to someone who's
self-employed - or employed in a crap job, come to that. Their sole
interest is in fiddling the unemployment figures, if you're not unemployed,
tough.

 

We sent someone to a bike shop to ask if they could fit a new power band
to his RS100 (or was it a YB100? I forget)

 

If you should cease trading, or end your employment, then the DSS
will shift heaven and earth to shunt you into any queue other
than the unemployed. Look into it and see what's on offer.

There's a general election coming up so cost won't be a problem.
They save money anyway coz they've sneakily changed the rules so
they no longer pay mortgage interest. For the genuine unemployed
it can mean selling your home if you can't find a job.

riccip

 

Since my mortgage protection insurance ran out a couple of
months ago, they have been paying mine.

In fact when we look at everything we get, and here I have
to add that we foster and my son gets the higher rate of
disability living allowance so it's not just my Job seekers
allowance. But I am pretty much on a par with what I was
getting whilst fully employed in a well paid IT job.

Now that's scary, I am surprised there aren't more people
"job seeking", my life has been really nice this last year
(especially as we live 5 mins from the beach).

I guess, fortunately for the Government, I have a bit of
pride and self-motivation so am in the process of setting up
as self-employed. With the assistance of the DWP, otherwise
I could quite happily stay as I am for a good long time!

Anyone need any network consultancy doing, I specialise in
Layer 4-7 switches eg Radware, F5 etc with a bit of a
sideline on security...?

Nick

 

You can afford to live in Frinton purely on benefits? There's not one
cheap shop in the whole place!

You must live inside the gates then! How on earth can you afford it?
From my 2 months unemployed earlier this year and then getting a shitty
part time job in a factory, I can tell you that life unemployed is
definitely NOT better.

Get me a friggin' power supply for this Intel network switch I've got!

 

Dunno- I got some worthwhile computer courses last year, courtesy of the
Evil Empire across the North Sea. ICBW, but I've a feeling there could
be something avaialble for any area with a skill shortage.

If you check out Learn Direct (the outfit with adverts featuring a bloke
who keeps answering other people's phones), they may be able to help.

 

It's remarkable how widely the piston return spring has been used...

One that I was fond of was accidental, not deliberate, a couple of
mates working on another mate's Ducati and one said "Pass me a metric
adjustable spanner".

 

I caught out my wife with 'elbow grease' at the weekend, when I said
I'd had to use said special product to remove the watermarks she was
complaining about from her car bonnet - astonishingly, she didn't suss
it at all and asked me a couple of minutes later where I'd got this
special cleaner from.

 

<grin> Tch - women, eh?

 

Aye. Mine dew, at least she'd made an effort at washing the thing in
the first place. And then spent a couple of hours polishing it later.
Made a pretty decent job of it too, for a woman ;-)

Maybe I should ask her to clean the gixxer too... then again, maybe
not, eh?