I was standing on the patio ...

Discussion in 'UK Motorcycles' started by Pip, Dec 16, 2008.

  1. Pip

    Pip Guest

    ... late at night - when my eyes beheld an eerie sight.

    A cold night, dark it was, and airless. Airless in the sense of no
    air movement[1] not that I was standing in a vacuum - anyway, it was
    still. Still, quiet and peaceful. Then there was a sudden and
    unexpected noise, a sort of rattling shuffle, reminiscent of Autumn
    leaves caught in a twisty breeze.

    Cocking an ear (no, Loz!) I swivelled a squint into the gloom, peering
    towards the probable area whence came the strange sound. An
    unexpected cluster of large, brown leaves hove into view, travelling
    quite slowly across the grass.

    Unusual, I thought. One doesn't usually see bunches of leaves
    shuffling themselves across the grass at one in the morning - nor at
    any time, to be honest. My jacket collar crept up my nape of its own
    accord, propelled by the action of the short hairs standing up for
    themselves, as just like that, my heartbeat became palpable.

    The freaky leaves turned slowly in my direction at this point,
    presenting a couple of options: to remain and observe, a dispassionate
    spectator - to turn, step quickly back indoors and firmly close the
    curtains against the haunted foliage - or to take a couple of quick
    steps forward and assist the spectral ex-greenery into the next
    world[2] with a well-placed Size Ten.

    By now heading straight for me, the leaves came to a trembling stop -
    and then they twinkled at me. Not all of them, you understand, just a
    couple of inner leaves, beneath the outer covering. Dimly illuminated
    by the light from the kitchen window, there was a definite sparkle
    going on. Not cold enough for frost, it wasn't that sort of cold
    sparkle, it was more of a dark reflection. There was a sort of
    distant whiffling, as well.

    On resumption of leaf motion, following a circular sort of path, a
    moment of realisation: it was the Stealth Hedgehog, no less. The
    spiny fucker must have rolled in a layer of leaves and then trundled
    out of the undergrowth onto the lawn, wearing half a camo coat over
    his spikes. Once I'd cottoned on to the deception, all sphincters
    released in relief.

    Startled from his usual stealthy habit, he took off - a quick grunt
    and he was up to full speed, doing a beeline bunk for the hole on the
    fence on the far side of the lawn, shedding leaves as he went, little
    legs positively blurring in his efforts to escape the miasmic cloud of
    secondhand Young's.

    It's been a while since I've seen him: nice to know he's still about,
    catching my butts and snatching a furtive smoke in the undergrowth.
    He did frit me up proper this time though, the little fucker ;-)

    1. Save the occasional and remarkably degustable fruity flatus,
    product of a couple of pints of Young's Winter Warmer, consumed

    2. Or at least into the next garden, I didn't really GAF.
    Pip, Dec 16, 2008
    1. Advertisements

  2. Pip

    SD Guest

    It was Winter Warmer, not mild.

    Do pay attention, Bond.
    SD, Dec 16, 2008
    1. Advertisements

  3. Pip

    Pip Guest

    I suspect I disturbed his regular perambulation - out of the
    undergrowth and across the lawn to the 'outdoor ashtray', whwre he can
    grab a butt to suck on. If he times it right, he'll score a still-lit
    one, see: he likes a puff, but he has the devil's own job in lighting
    one up on his own. Bad combo of long snout and short arms see -
    that's why you don't hear of many hedgehogs with hacking coughs.

    It hasn't got cold enough yet, I'd assume.
    Pip, Dec 16, 2008
  4. Pip

    Pip Guest

    Pip, Dec 16, 2008
  5. Pip

    platypus Guest

    Steady on!
    platypus, Dec 16, 2008
  6. Pip

    Dentist Guest

    The test phase of my experimental incontinence pants is now complete.
    Dentist, Dec 16, 2008
  7. Pip

    Fr Jack Guest

    Have you hit 40, yet? Tends to start about then...
    Fr Jack, Dec 16, 2008
  8. Pip

    Tosspot Guest

    Mate had a similar thing. Early hours of the morning, all is still
    and quiet, him and the Missus recovering from a post prandial shag
    when a God Almighty Clatter comes from down stairs waking everyone up.
    "It's that fucking cat again!" says he[1]. A discussion ensues
    whereby he gets a few more minutes in the warm before giving in to the

    So, downstairs he trogs in his jamies to find out what got broke to
    discover the cat, hunkered on its haunches, fur standing on end, not
    moving a muscle, staring fixedly at the closed basement door...

    [1] Someone posted something about wimmin and cats, they were
    probably right.
    Tosspot, Dec 16, 2008
  9. Pip

    SD Guest

    It's even better *in* the brewery bar, when the brewery are paying.
    SD, Dec 16, 2008
  10. Pip

    Alex Ferrier Guest

    I guess as you get older, you start to give in to the inevitable.
    You are ebbing. ;-)

    It's all in the mind, apparently. Well, that and what you were brought
    up being used to. The human body appears to be able to cope with and be
    'comfortable' within quite a wide temperature range. I read it somewhere
    a while ago, can't remember exactly where.

    I grew up in a a old mill, no central heating, no double glazing and well
    draughty. Consequently, I'm not a great fan of warmer temperatures.
    I have yet to turn the heating on at home. So long as it doesn't drop
    much below 10-12 ºC I'm pretty comfortable (Looks at thermometer,
    currently 13.5 ºC, so positively toasty ;-). I go round to friends houses
    and feel stifled at the 20+ ºC they find comfy.
    Alex Ferrier, Dec 16, 2008
  11. Pip

    Ace Guest

    This ^^ does not necessarily lead to that VV.
    I was also brought up in a cold house. I well remember a set of
    finger-nail marks on my window from one time I'd been scraping the ice
    off and it had scratched the glass. On the _inside_ of the glass.
    I have ours set on 21C, although the rooms are large and sometimes it
    takes a while to warm up if the heat's not been on (like when we're
    away skiing and get back late Sunday night) so I have to wear a fleece
    or similar to keep warm.

    For me, a single normal layer of clothing, like the jeans and
    long-sleeved shirt I'm currently wearing in our 22C office, should be
    all one needs indoors. And if it's below 20C, it needs heating.
    Ace, Dec 16, 2008
  12. Pip

    Champ Guest

    As Ace has pointed out, your logic doesn't really follow.

    I grew up in the 60s and 70s, in ordinary houses that certainly didn't
    have central heating (Had central heating been invented then?). I can
    recall getting dressed into my school uniform under the bed clothes
    before getting out of bed.

    Like Ace, I think a reasonable indoor temp is 20 deg C
    Champ, Dec 16, 2008
  13. Pip

    Adrian Guest

    Would that be around 60-70BC? If it was much later, then - yep -
    Adrian, Dec 16, 2008
  14. Pip

    y Guest

    You poofs should have been raised in Scotland. I cycle to work in
    shorts and a T-shirt.

    y, Dec 16, 2008
  15. Pip

    Champ Guest

    heh. What did the romans actually burn for their underfloor heating?

    Anyway, no one I knew had central heating when I was a kid.
    Champ, Dec 16, 2008
  16. Pip

    y Guest

    And they call the Scots 'pikey'...

    Our home had a big coal boiler on the ground floor, which heated
    radiators in all the rooms...

    y, Dec 16, 2008
  17. Pip

    Ace Guest

    Wood. And stuff.
    Our house did actually have central heating, installed I guess at some
    point in the 1920s, with the most amazingly ornate pipework and
    radiators all in copper, or some brassy alloy thereof.

    Trouble was, it only ran from an ancient coke-fired burner in the
    kitchen, and even if we'd been able to afford the fuel bills (which
    I'm sure we couldn't) the effort involved in keeping it running was
    phenomenal. And even at full blast the rads were only vaguely warm to
    the touch.

    In any event, it completely gave up the ghost when I was about 7 or 8,
    at a guess, and although the radiators were never removed while we
    lived there, no efforts were made to replace it.

    Sadly, I believe the next owner ripped them all out and replaced with
    modern ones - I'd have loved to get my hands on that house with a
    decent amount of cash to renovate it, including the heating system.
    Sadly it was sold off when I was about 18 after my parents had split
    Ace, Dec 16, 2008
  18. Pip

    Hog Guest

    Hadn't your parents heard of Dimplex? I had one on an old fashioned pin
    type time clock. School clothes were left over it. It came on 30 or so
    mins before getting up (small bedroom). Job done.

    10-12 in the house if feckin Baltic
    Hog, Dec 16, 2008
  19. Pip

    Lozzo Guest

    We had coal-fired central heating in the house my parents still live in
    when we moved back from Singapore in 1969/70. The radiators were these
    very long but not tall skirting board type things. It was crap and
    didn't heat any of the house properly, the boiler did give us hot water

    My bedroom had a rotten wndow frame and I remember being about 10 or 11
    and having no clean socks to wear because they were all stuffed in the
    gaps between the glass and what remained of the frame. I was about 15
    when my parents finally replaced it with a double glazed unit. By that
    time I'd filled the gaps myself with car body filler pinched from my
    second cousin's bodyshop.
    Lozzo, Dec 16, 2008
  20. Pip

    platypus Guest

    Christians. They would deliver themselves to the door, often holding
    magazines or tracts that could be used to light them.
    platypus, Dec 16, 2008
    1. Advertisements

Ask a Question

Want to reply to this thread or ask your own question?

You'll need to choose a username for the site, which only take a couple of moments (here). After that, you can post your question and our members will help you out.