mY fuRSt viisit too Ostraylya

I couldn't have organised it better myself. There's something oh-so-special
about a company flying you round the world to work for them with all mod
cons. You name it, I got it: behind the wing, films don't work properly,
really grim food and- thrown in for free- the onset of tonsilitis when I
come in to land. The only downside was that is was an un-upgradable ticket
which meant I couldn't get the extras like seat by the toilet and surrounded
by screaming kids, but you can't have everything. I even got to check out
Singapore on the stopover and I can highly recommend the toilets by gate 16
that were just reachable for a slash before I had to rush back for
almost-immediately-taking-off last jump to Sydney.

Get to the hotel (8 pm) I'm in for 3 weeks while I find accomodation and I'm
out like a dead thing for 18 hours straight. Apparently everyone sleeps for
18 hours. Wake up (4 pm) feeling like I'm on the edge of the world, slipping
off...

Australian tv rocks, which you find out when you've just slept 18 hours and
have no chance of sleeping for a looong time later. Their morning tv people
regularly describe things as "crap" and refuse to talk about almost anything
else but the cricket. I put it down to a fevered imagination when one of
them seems to insinuate that he'd like to **** the female presenter up the
arse.

About 15 hours with no sleep later and I stagger to the doctors recommended
by the hotel manager who can only be described as Stavros the Kebab Shop guy
from Harry Enfield's show. Despite the fact I can barely stand I must endure
30 minutes of him telling me about the friends he had in Twickenham. My
throat has had the Ghost Rider doing burnouts in it and I can barely focus
on him but at least he's happy, despite my feeble moans of "**** off and get
me a doctor". I don't think he can hear them or else it's some rite of
passage.

Doctor's great. Says I "probably" have Strep Throat (it's tonsilitis- which
is different) and prescribes some anti biotics. Tells me to take the full
course unless I get a red rash on my chest which means I either have scarlet
fever or a massive reaction to anti biotics. The first is treatable with
anti biotics. I can only guess the 2nd isn't. He gets confused and laughs it
off saying it'll "all probably turn out all right. So, been watching the
cricket?". Attempt to stab him with a plastic spatula but it slips through
my useless fingers.

Spend the rest of the day negotiating the trials of organising mobile
phones, bank accounts and rental property viewings. Vaguely aware than I
don't cut the most dashing figure as I sweat and shiver my way through
rasping conversations trying desperately to look normal whilst on the verge
of collapse.

It's about now I begin to encounter the phenomenon of real estate agents-
Aussie style. Landlords can rent their properties out through a number of
agents- none of whom give a flying **** about whether you get to live
anywhere at all. If and when they bother to turn up to a showing, providing
they actually have the keys to the place anyway, you may find yourelf with
any number of other prospective tentants at the same viewing. I ask the 1st
one what the deal is, if all the viewers like the place, who gets first
dibs? Are we meant to wrestle for it? Turns out first to get the deposit in
and sign up gets it. I silently snigger at the other couple who have a long
list of properites to view, and take the first available place that I can
get the deposit down on. This has taken 5 days to accomplish. I must be too
picky, too slow, or too casual despite racking up a small fortune in cab
bills.

Don't get me started on the cabbies. Experienced New York cab
drivers?They're geographical Titans compared to 90 % of these guys. I know
my way around the Eastgern Surbrubs now better than most of them could ever
hope to.

13 days later and I'm almost back to normal sleep-wise and no longer
"crook". Sydney is an amazing place, loads of different little areas,
including marvellous and scary beaches, all within easy reach. Bit of a
shame about the lack of Ozone layer above but I can't moan. No, I really
can't because it's a capital crime to be negative about anything here. The
indigenous ex crooks (as against the Rissians, Chinese and Koreans) here
love to describe us as whinging Poms. Find the antidote is to look at them
quizzically and say "So? It really is shit, don't you realise that? What's
wrong with you?" whereupon they experience introspection, possible for the
first time. Their looks of discomfit are verfy rewarding and I then laugh
and say "Just kidding! Lighten up!". Expect to have no Aussie friends at all
very soon. Fine with that.

I haven't even begun sightseeing yet, I'll wait for the SO to get here so I
don't have to do it twice. And now I'm just bike hunting and spending time
at Ikea. Yes, here you have to do Ikea as well.

They're all terrified of terrorists. Justifiably IMO. If I was a suicide
bomber and knew I had to take a flight like mine and then had to find a
rental place to hold up in and furnish with shite from Ikea while being
bombarded with asinine questions about the cricket I'd pull the fucking pin
before I'd got out of Immigration.

Weather's nice though.

 

Qantas/BA. Superb is not a superlative that I feel is appropriate in my
case.

I'm paying for my accomodation. They just put me up in the Hotel De Shite
for 3 weeks. No internet access, I ask you!

The winds pick up at night but every day has been like an English late
spring day.

 

They do go on about that, but I found that Aussies like to moan at
least as much as anyone else I've ever met. I think the deal is that
if you're not born there, you're not allowed to complain. If you
were, it's compulsory.

Nicely miserablist post, by the way. Well done.

 

Have you eaten today yet?

 

I'm at work (being "processed"). And I had a proper breakfast.

 

Keep up the good work.

 

Are you dressed?

 

On which side? Is it different in the southern hemisphere?

 

<curses>

 

It's no wonder they fired you.

 

<snippety-snip>

Nice post. Made Oi fair grin that. You do write well, dontcha?

 

Are you the 'conscientious, clean up all loose ends' or '**** you lot,
I ain't doing a stitch' type?

 

He'd better be the first type or else Verdigris will be round to sort
him out.

 

A mixture - I give the impression of being the former, while actually
being the latter. Which they won't find out until I'm gone.

 

Ahh a "facilitator".

 

Heh. I left 15 ongoing projects to be picked up by my successor, each
in a neat pile with a written desciption of the status and vital
information....

.....which consisted of me finding 15 novel ways of writing "haven't
touched in a month, couldn't be arsed" couched in vague terms.

 

<Dies laughing>

Lovely synopsis. Agree with every word. That's why I turned down a job
there (job was in Adelaide, mind you).

I did think Sydney was quite a nice city though.

And motorcycles are cheap compared to here - however, the wages are likewise
less.

 

Heh! I only got one cab in the three days I was in Sydney. I had to tell him
the way back from the AMP tower to my hotel, all of ooh a mile and a half
away (it was raining, I had SWMBO in tow, what can I say).

Incidentally, go for a meal up the AMP tower - it's about £40 for a good
three-course meal with wine, and you get views of the whole of Sydney,
looking down on the skyscrapers from the revolving restaurant (unless it's
cloudy when you go up, but at least then you're not limited to a two-hour
sitting). Not recommended for vertigo sufferers, obviously.

 

I had friends who flew with them and hated them. Others raved about them. I
thought Malaysian Air were excellent, but others hated them. I think it all
depends on luck of the draw, as to your seat location and what cabin staff
happen to be on duty.

The thunderstorms are soooo cool. I watched on roll over the Blue Mountains
from Echo Point.

 

I see the Aussies have made you feel at home.

Good rant, don't let the bastards grind you down, mate.