Paging any passing platypii

I've found you a new job ...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6114537380800280892&q=platypus&hl=en

Stick with it

 

Compressed air? Hah! I specialise in compressed methane. And telephony.
The data networks lot fear telephony lke you fear Marmite.

 

There's a reason that you should all detest Marmite ...

... because Marmite is actually rendered from tormented souls ...

Take a soul. Any soul will do, but if one can politely request one
from one's Little Red Man with a Pitchfork, a hardened sinner
would be best. A really sick and twisted old scroat has much more
flavour than the newer, politically correct corn-fed sort, as I'm sure
you will agree - in the same way that a proper copper was far
preferable and easier to deal with than the modern, enlightened type.

The soul, once obtained, should be hung in the outhouse well away from
interference by household animals, children and servants (in order of
importance) until it is properly dried and has turned nicely crispy at
the edges. Some favour lighting a slow fire beneath their chosen
soul, but I would recommend just a gentle flaming on an irregular
basis as it gives a more predictable result.

Once the soul has hung to one's preference, have a chattel cut it down
and one may then proceed with the rendering. Take your largest pan
and bring your favourite oil to the boil. One may do this on the
stove top, but many will prefer to use a traditional pot over a wood
fire. One should season the oil to taste (as this will be reflected
in the flavour of the final product). Traditionally there should be a
goodly dollop of road tar for consistency, about a pound of anchovies
for pungency and a full tin of black Hammerite for texture.

Choose a propitious moment and instruct a vassal to boldly plunge the
soul into the oil, savouring the writhing agony as the final fees are
squeezed from it. Bring back to the boil and maintain a good bubbling
boil for 45 minutes per pound plus 20 minutes for the pot. Add half a
pound of well-rotted blue cheese, then cover and simmer gently for a
further hour, remove from the heat and allow to stand for a day.

Upon unclamping the lid, the almost finished product should be
apparent in colour and texture. One may add a twist of dessicated
gibbon's scrotum at this stage, as it brings a final gloss to the
product. Summon two sturdy chattels and instruct them to pour the
product into sterilised small brown jars.

And there you have it. Marmite the traditional way. Fear it.

 

Sir, may I say that you are without doubt a genius. And that went straight
to my "keep for an eon or two" folder.

You've still not put me off the stuff.

Ali

 

^^^^^^^^^^

Safety Nazi.

--
Wicked Uncle Nigel - Podium Placed Ducati Race Engineer as featured in
Performance Bikes and Fast Bikes

WS* GHPOTHUF#24 APOSTLE#14 DLC#1 COFF#20 BOTAFOT#150 HYPO#0(KoTL) IbW#41
SBS#39 OMF#6 Enfield 500 Curry House Racer "The Basmati Rice Burner",
Honda GL1000K2 (On its hols) Kawasaki ZN1300 Voyager "Oh, Oh, It's so big"
Suzuki TS250 "The Africa Single" Yamaha Vmax Honda ST1100 wiv trailer

 

A gentleman has jars, or vessels, constructed to his own requirements.

Take a fresh vassal and have him sterilised in the old-fashioned way
with a hot knife, reserving the offal for later use. It is best to
have this procedure carried out by the village hag, who is not only
experienced in these matters, but has an axe to grind in this
direction.

After a suitable interval for maturation and after scouring the
interior, the scrotal sack should be stretched over an ivory former,
made to the volume required. A deft twist and tying off with hairy
string at the top will yield a stout vessel, complete with screw top,
if performed correctly.

And that is how to produce small sterilised brown jars.

 

Trust me, they fear it less than online retailers peak trading periods.

"Which was nice"

 

In communiqué <>, Pip
<> cast forth these pearls of wisdom

<snips a passage obviously lost from the original manuscript of
'Gormenghast'>

Sir obviously spent many years perfecting his literary style writing
Food Hygiene offence reports.


--

+-------------------------------------------------------------+
| Pete Fisher at Home: |
| Voxan Roadster Gilera Nordwest Yamaha WR250Z |
| Gilera GFR Moto Morini 2C/375 |
+-------------------------------------------------------------+

 

I didn't know they did factory tours.

Mmm, Marmite. I'm feeling hungry now.

 

Having read that whilst feasting on the stuff (with cream cheese on
toasted hand cut extra thick 11 seed wholemeal bread) and it struck me
that perhaps the Messrs Marmite and Laphroaig may have been partners in
crime.


--
Dnc

B12, ZZR11
A6 2.5TDi V6 Quattro Sport
MIB#26 two#54(soiled) UKRMMA#26 BOTAFOT#153 X-FOT#003

 

Do you like Campari?

Ali

 

Can't say that I've consumed it whilst sober enough to give a fair
assessment. Based on your inclusion in this sub thread, I'd hazard a
guess towards "yes". Probably.



--
Dnc

B12, ZZR11
A6 2.5TDi V6 Quattro Sport
MIB#26 two#54(soiled) UKRMMA#26 BOTAFOT#153 X-FOT#003

 

Verdigris wrote:
modern, enlightened type.

<not wishing to cause any offence>
Are you posting from another time zone so that your postings go to the
top on Google Groups?
<ducks>

 

It can't be that you fear your soul will be tormented, 'cos that
twisted, crispy little relic is goinn daaaahn, saahn.

 

On Sat, 09 Dec 2006 23:52:18 +0000, Pip

Good effort, very funny, but sadly completely fails to get across the
sheer degree of disgust the stuff engenders. The only way I've ever
managed to explain to a Marmite Eater how loathsome it is has been by
saying

"Look, imagine I sat here, squeezed off a length, reach down to my
arse and smeared it over a piece of bread and butter. How disgusted
would you feel if I sat here and ate it? Well that's still an order of
magnitude below what I feel about Marmite."

--
_______
..'_/_|_\_'. Ace (brucedotrogers a.t rochedotcom)
\`\ | /`/ GSX-R1000K3 (slightly broken, currently missing)
`\\ | //' BOTAFOT#3, SbS#2, UKRMMA#13, DFV#8, SKA#2, IBB#10
`\|/`
`

 

<Small voice>

I like Marmite..

</SV>

I know, I know - compared to my many and various other character flaws
a liking for Marmite hardly tips the scales at all but there you go..

Phil.

 

I see where you're going with this.

Check, can suck em straight. Limes too.

goes without saying.

Ahh. No. Evil Vile Nasty. But I've not had Tanq10 much to Blaneys disgust.

Interesting concept mind.



--
Dnc

B12, ZZR11
A6 2.5TDi V6 Quattro Sport
MIB#26 two#54(soiled) UKRMMA#26 BOTAFOT#153 X-FOT#003

 

Campari straight, over plenty of ice. So refreshing when the weather's hot.
And if you take your coffee black, try it with a slice or squeeze of lemon.

 

Marmite's great, and I find a need to take Ace's opinions with a
spoonful of the stuff since he fell off his bike. The downer he has on
Marmite seems infinitessimal compared to the downer he has on just about
everything else in the world these days.

 

Bollocks. I'm a very happy person, as it happens. But Marmite is worse
than shit[1] and always has been.

[1] Would be.
--
_______
..'_/_|_\_'. Ace (brucedotrogers a.t rochedotcom)
\`\ | /`/ GSX-R1000K3 (slightly broken, currently missing)
`\\ | //' BOTAFOT#3, SbS#2, UKRMMA#13, DFV#8, SKA#2, IBB#10
`\|/`
`