Please...

<snip>

Did *anyone* understand this posting?

 

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will
be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by
the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you
may
elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply
can't cope
with correct pronunciation.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It
really
isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-
class
twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as
'Taggart'
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England.
The
name of the county is "Devon ." If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all
American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire,
Louisianashire.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable
levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication
5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
will be
a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will
be
called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will
start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go
metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of
humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been
calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries
are not real chips and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are
properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and
dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
"beer"
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
"Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
of
proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will,
in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an
event called the "World Series" for a game, which is not played
outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies
due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

 

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure, we at Reeky all feel your pain.

Thumper

 

I doubt if Nick has ever had bush in his life and he'd be on the
Listerine like a shot if he ever got pissed enough to try it.

 

Most hypocritical more like. I'm sitting here thinking about how much
he's bitched about cross posting yet he does it himself.

It's a shame someone's died on a bike but I really don't see why the
OP felt he had to post about it all over the place, just throw some
flowers into the weeds and get over it.

 

It was really you and you're just off on holiday?

--
Cab :^) - I'm dyslex-spic apparently
GSX 1400 - Speedy Zimmerframe.
UKRMMA#10 (KOTL), IbW#015, BoB#4, POTM#3, SKA#1
email addy : ukrm_dot_cab_at_rosbif_dot_org
The gingeometer: http://www.rosbif.org/ukrm/gingeometer/

 

Using the patented Mavis Beacon "Hunt&Peck" Technique, Scraggy

In which case, it's "axe".

--
Wicked Uncle Nigel - "He's hopeless, but he's honest"

WS* GHPOTHUF#24 APOSTLE#14 DLC#1 COFF#20 BOTAFOT#150 HYPO#0(KoTL) IbW#41
SBS#39 OMF#6 Enfield 500 Curry House Racer "The Basmati Rice Burner",
Honda GL1000K2 (Fallen apart)
Suzuki TS250 "The Africa Single" Honda ST1100 wiv trailer Norton 850 Commando
Kawasaki GTR1400

 

You got that right. i have enough "memorial patches" just from those I knew.
My Dad's friend had the same thing happen last month, kid came home from
iraq, bought a bike, after taking MSF course and a short time riding hit an
SUV at 130 Mph. Took out an innocent with him.
I didn't think it worth mentioning here, it's the same old story.

 

Sorry mate, the reason we have not annexed Mexico and Canada is that we
don't need any more welfare states. Give us a few more years to send the
rest of our manufacturing capabilities offshore and then please try again.

 

Yeah , but usually only from those too stupid to think up something original
.. You still pilin' on the miles ? I got a newer FLHTCU this spring due to an
idiot that turned in front of my '76 FLH . Already logged over 5k since
mid-March ... this bike got some legs !

--

Snag aka OSG #1
'90 Ultra , "Strider"
The road goes on forever ...
none to one to reply

 

Snag says...

You call that mileage? My ex bought a used Daytona 600 at the beginning
of May, it had 1100 miles on the clock - she px'd it against an SV650
three weeks ago with 8,500 miles recorded. The Bandit 650 she px'd
against the Daytona was 18 months old, she bought it new and did nearly
20,000 miles. I think she's clocked up an additional 2000 miles in the
last three weeks on the SV650.

In my garage is a Daytona 955i that I occasionally use, I use my SV650
out of preference for getting around locally. I've clocked up nearly
7,500 miles on the Triumph in a year, before the SV there was a Bandit
600 and that clocked around 9,000 miles alongside the Triumph, not
forgetting the 1,000 or so I've done on the SR250 in the past 3 months
and the 2,000 I've done on the SV650 since I put it back on the road 9
weeks ago.

That's mileage.

--
Lozzo
Triumph Daytona 955i SE
Suzuki SV650 K3
Honda CBR600 F-W
Suzuki GSX-R750L
Yamaha SR250 SpazzTrakka

 

Sucking his keyboard for inspiration, Cab typed:

It's just a reflex.

 

At this point, I know not only what's coming in this post, but almost
every post to follow in this thread. And I'm sure I'm not alone.

 

Welp, sorry for that for you and yours. Seriously. Peace to you.

 

Lozzo , it's not about the mileage . It's about the *smileage* . For a
man that works 40 a week , rides to work most days , and has a ton of fun
out in the shed makin' parts on his lathe for his friends in the evenin's ,
it ain't so bad .
I'm not in a contest , I ride for pleasure .
You apparently feel a need to compete . Go right ahead , I'll watch from
the sidelines .
--

Snag aka OSG #1
'90 Ultra , "Strider"
The road goes on forever ...
none to one to reply

 

You've obviously never been there . Two-Bit Street was a WWII phenomonon ,
it's nothing like the stories .
I know , I useta drag The Bully in the 60's . Ya know where Deweyville is
?
--

Snag aka OSG #1
'90 Ultra , "Strider"
The road goes on forever ...
none to one to reply

 

*woosh*

 

As opposed to the UK where, you take a written test by tapping the
answers on a screen?

Or, in some states, take a test.

Apart from the CBT required in the UK, which is frankly a piece of piss,
it's not really much different is it.

You've done the UK and your crash record isn't exactly flawless, is it?

 

Snag says...

Can we have that again, this time in something resembling English,
please?

--
Lozzo
Triumph Daytona 955i SE
Suzuki SV650 K3
Honda CBR600 F-W
Suzuki GSX-R750L
Yamaha SR250 SpazzTrakka

 

Snag says...

I work 40 a week too, ride to work every day because I don't own a car.
In the evenings I spend a fair few hours working in the garage on other
people's bikes or building up my own. It wasn't a contest, just a small
dig at what some people call high mileage.

You want high miles, ask Burnt/Deadmail of this parish how many he
clocks up a year in all weathers, and both he and I enjoy virtually
every one of them.

As an aside, on this side of the pond the average yearly mileage for a
sports bike is only 4,500 miles. Bike values are seriously reduced if
the clock shows more than that - what is it over there?

--
Lozzo
Triumph Daytona 955i SE
Suzuki SV650 K3
Honda CBR600 F-W
Suzuki GSX-R750L
Yamaha SR250 SpazzTrakka