SQUIRRELS (long)

This time there's more.

....OK, one more.

This morning I braved the dust and distinct smell of rodent and
cleared as much of the shit and peanut husks[1] as I could. |It seems
that ther squirrel was a bashful sort and had been using our loft as
its own private toilet. I then spent a merry half-hour clearing a
mixture of loft insulation, straw and squirrel shit out of the vacuum
cleaner hose, where it had formed a blockage.

Happy with the work done, I started doing the final bitty jobs on my
current Project, which involved a certain amount of to-oing and
fro-ing from garage to Shed, where the Project lurks.

On such a bimble (probably a fro rather than a to as I was heading
garage-wards) I was startled from my famous 'mind in neutral' state by
the fence next to me making a sudden clattering noise. Now fences
don't, as a rule, do this sort of thing, so I jumped a bit and looked
up at it.

Crouching atop the fence, not one metre away, was another sodding grey
squirrel. As I turned towards it, it hopped along the fence to freeze,
its nose almost touching one of the support posts that project above
the top of the panels. I followed, and stood facing it from less than
a metre. For a couple of dozen seconds we stared at each other, eye to
eye. I'll say this for it, it's bold, the little bastard.

As the rodent was heading House-wards, I tried to head it off back
towards the bottom of the garden. No such luck: this was a determined
little bastard and as I moved, it leapt to the corner of next-door's
house and flew easily up the brickwork, then swung dexterously onto
the guttering and disappeared.

I backed up, to see where it was getting into next-door's house, so as
to warn them. Well, it turned out that it had another objective in
mind, because it was crouching on the tiles at the end of the gable
and, to my dismay, slightly facing our house.

A horrible suspicion had begin to form, so I waited. The squirrel also
waited. I waited some more. The squirrel waited some more. I got
bored. Wait! Idea! Carefully, I backed up towards the shed door, while
keeping a wary eye on Nutkins.

Carefully I pulled it closed, just leaving a gap through which I could
observe proceedings.

Within seconds of the door stopping almost closed, the rodent turned,
crouched, and leapt across to our roof. It bounded, rather gracefully
I must say, along the ridge, then ran diagonally down to the gutter,
where it quickly crouched and wriggled under the edge of the tiles.

Attempts to flush it out from within the loft failed; we could still
hear it moving. Later, upon hearing noises from above, I grabbed a
head torch and clambered up to investigate... and spotted the sod at
the far end, crouching right in the angle between the tiles and the
loft insulation.

All I had to hand were a couple of small bits of wood. I threw them. I
missed. The squirrel simply crouched lower. As I approached, the
critter dived down a hole in the insulation back towards the soffit.

Never before have I wished so much that I had an air rifle in my
hands.

Actually, my paranoid half wondered briefly whether the pest
exterminators had simply let it go back here, for repeat business. It
certainly seemed remarkably cool at such a close proximity to me, as
if it knew me. I told myself not to be silly.

AlI could do was wedge bits of wood where the obvious entry tunnels
were, but this will at most inconvenience the little sod.

I will try to be humane, but now I'm afraid it's War. Also, I have a
horrible fear that the one we caught was a male; if this one drops
young then it doesn't bear thinking about.

Well, I've just heard noises above my head. I may be some time....


[1] bait from the trap.

 

Flamethrower mate, it's the only way to be sure.

Or, nuke it from orbit.
--


Nige,

Honda VTR1000 SOLD!
BMW K1200S
Range Rover Vogue
Aprilia RSV Mille

 

Don't go thinking I haven't considered that option.

 

Pip Luscher wrote:

See above ---^

I should point out that it's available with frag-12 cartridges, in
case you need a bit more 'Ooomph'

 

http://www.airrifleshop.co.uk/

 

Dust it's habitat with chilli powder, they can't stand the stuff.

 

All together now...

# What's got a hazelnut in every bite?

 

A hazelnut selection box?

 

<snip>

Pepper its nest with chilli powder, they can't stand the stuff.

 

Using the patented Mavis Beacon "Hunt&Peck" Technique, ian field

<cue: "**** me, I've got the UK's first Bangladeshi squirrel!" post>

Pepper its skull with lead, they hate that.

 

i remember a little fucker chewing through a power cable at a bible college i was
working at , took out the whole it block , girls accomadation and staff quarters
little bastard was still attached although well freied

 

Using the patented Mavis Beacon "Hunt&Peck" Technique, steve robinson

I trust he didn't **** up the video feed from the showers?

 

Run a length of pipe up to the loft, other end in the car's exhaust pipe.
When it enters the premises, start the engine and let it idle, all the while
patrolling the garden to convince to stay in the loft.

 

You are Bill Murray AICMFF Caddyshack clips.

 

Using the patented Mavis Beacon "Hunt&Peck" Technique, platypus

That sounds like a lot of fucking about when he's seen the thing
stationary several times today. Any of those would have been an easy
shot, problem solved.

 

These were deeply religous young ladies who were all locked in at 10 pm at night or
so the staff believed to protect them from satans wicked ways

I on the other hand had a set of master keys and codes for all the locks allowing
the young gentlemen who were also locked in at 10 o clock in a seperate block to
sneak out and **** the brains out of said young ladies which happened on a regular
basis

 

Using the patented Mavis Beacon "Hunt&Peck" Technique, steve robinson

Good man.

 

Didn't you think of that 2 bulls and the field of cows joke back then.....
i'd have kept the lads locked in and fucked the brains out of all the young
ladies my self

 

I think you've missed the point of the joke about the two bulls.