Vvzzvzwwzz

Grieving widow faces uphill legal battle against President

WASHINGTON -- The widow of the housefly murdered by Barack Obama
during a recent CNBC television interview announced this morning that
she would be filing a wrongful death suit against the President in
federal district court. The plaintiff brief -- citing pain, suffering
and loss of income -- seeks a formal apology and compensatory damages,
including an unspecified quantity of shit.

"Bob was a wonderful husband and provider," said the widow, Mrs.
Vivian Vvzzvzwwzzz, wiping tears from her compound eyes. "Even though
he was always busy at the Rose Garden turd pile, he always flew home
in time to tuck in our maggots."

The 17-day old widow said the grieving process since the murder has
taken its toll.

"Although it's been nearly 48 hours, I still get an empty feeling in
my thorax everytime I think about it," she said. "I feel like I've
aged an entire week. Mating season is over, and here I am, stuck
trying to raise 532 larvae on my own."

Vvzzvzwwzzz described the "abdomen-wrenching horror" she experienced
while watching the President casually assassinate her husband during
the live broadcast.

"It was just before supper time and I was predigesting the evening
shit for the kids," she recalled. "When I looked up at the TV I saw
Bob there, and of course I was pretty excited. He started waving at
me, and then, all of a sudden, SLAP! My whole world, my life, layed
smashed across the back of Obama's left hand. And with 360 degree
peripheral vision and hundreds of eye facets, it was impossible to
look away."

Ever since the incident, Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz said she had been trying to
piece her life back together.

"I just get paralyzed wondering how I'm going to raise my larvae for
the next six days, alone, without any kind of support," she said.
"Most days I just end up on the clung to the ceiling, numb and crying,
eating a rancid bowl of Ben & Jerry's."

Breaking down, an emotionally distraught Vvzzvzwwzzz was comforted by
PETA President Ingrid Newkirk and ACLU President Nadine Strossen. The
two groups announced they will file an amicus brief in the case and
file a separate class action suit against the insecticide, flyswatter
and pest strip industries, seeking over 1 million metric tons of
compensatory shit on behalf of 200 billion Fly-Americans.

"The President's treatment of the Fly community has been extremely
disappointing," said Newkirk. "He almost seemed to relish his
bloodthirsty attack on Mr. Vvzzvzwwzzz. It's obvious he's in the
pocket of Big Manure."

University of Tennessee law professor Glenn Reynolds said Vvzzvzwwzzz
v. Obama is likely to raise several thorny constitutional issues.

"The courts have a lot of questions to sort out here," he said. "For
example, can a sitting president be forced to testify in a civil suit?
Can he give himself immunity? How does this effect the rights of
cooties and crab lice? Also, just how completely batshit insane is
PETA?"

Despite the prospect of facing a challenge from the President's
formidable legal team, Vvzzvzwwzzz said she was prepared to pursuit it
all the way to the Supreme Court.

"If Mr. Obama thinks he can shoo me away with his legal briefs and his
rolled-up New York Times, then he is sadly mistaken," said an angry
Vvzzvzwwzzz. "He has no idea how persistent and annoying I can be. I'm
in this for the long haul. All the way till July, if I'm still
alive."

Reynolds cautioned that no matter how determined the plaintiff, such a
prolonged legal battle against the President could prove prohibitively
expensive.

"Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz is likely to end up spending millions in legal fees,
with an unknown probability of success. Even if she prevails, the ACLU
and PETA lawyers will eat 40% of her shit settlement in contingency
fees," he said.

Vvzzvzwwzz said she would be establishing a legal fund to help defray
the cost of the suit, and appealed to the public for contributions.

"PETA has been very generous in relocating my family to a welcoming
new neighborhood filled with filthy, stoned, slow-reflexed vegans, but
we still need money for court costs," she said. "Help meee-eee! Help
meee-ee-eee-eee!"